Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
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Best seat on the street 😍
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
How long do you have to wait between naps?
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
can’t bark with your mouth full
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me: