I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
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My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.