today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
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I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 馃挄
I think my mom just blocked me
No point crayon over spilled milk.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
#PleaseGoToChurch 馃槀馃槶
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
me: my friends:
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 馃檨
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I鈥檓 dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it鈥檚 probably mine.
Me: probably?
when you鈥檙e broke you really start pondering. like if i didn鈥檛 buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.