The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
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[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
can’t catch a break
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount