What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
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“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles