customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
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I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price