I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
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A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.