I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
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A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
sensitive skin
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.