In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
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If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”