Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
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finally
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
smh
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
I’ll be mad as hell!
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.