at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
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God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
*bites zombie*
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.