Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
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Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
(Musicians.)
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds