Ape together strong
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COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Wait a minute
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Saving my good tweets for marriage
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?