me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
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I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Thanks to a fan for this one!