I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
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Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
For the orator and chef in all of us
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey