Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
You Might Also Like
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Happens to everyone.