If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
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I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
What’s so funny?
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Yup.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Jupiter
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”