Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
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[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks