Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
You Might Also Like
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
There is no “we” in pizza
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?