girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
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I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
My first son he is wonderful
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
same energy