My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
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*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes