Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
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If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
so much to do
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
My typo game is string.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.