Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
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[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine