Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
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I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
#gardening
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha