My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
You Might Also Like
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
meanwhile over on facebook
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.