It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
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Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call