making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
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I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Perfect
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?