Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
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[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
The Birdles
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)