parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
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Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
how to have an accident 101
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.