it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
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I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
rise and shine we got egg
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.