Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
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I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
bias laundering edition
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.