It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
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Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
finally found a reasonable question
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?