Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
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I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Woke up against my better judgement again
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
BETRAYAL
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years