If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
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A closed mouth gathers no fries.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”