“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
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I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall