LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
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I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Proctology is located in A55
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
is this store having a stroke wtf
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.