Whoa 😂
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I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies