me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
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I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”