I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
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My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
My ideal weight is five million dollars
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want