I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
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Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
How wrong was this guy?
Has science gone too far?
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.