gentlemen, hear me out
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Sniffing the broccoli
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Me redecorating every room in my mind
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*