“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
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Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor