Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
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WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.