Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
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“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
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He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.