[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
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If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.