Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
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My Guy
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Autocarrot sucks!
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.