I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
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Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes