[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
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Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Worth the read.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”