My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
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My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
My typo game is string.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.