Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
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Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss: